Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Fancy Argues Her Case

Turns out Fancy here sucks at being Fancy.

I know you thought I was going to say I suck at blogging. But we all know that. Nothing new there.

“Why don’t you start living like a Fancy lady and stop all this bullshit?” Fancy Therapist asked me during this week’s video chat.

“Um, because I’m inherently cheap?” I offered.

It was another conversation about Fancy Holidays Gone Wrong. In case you don’t remember last summer, click here. That was technically H being cheap, but you get the theme.

My most recent Fancy Foible?

We were in a rented condo somewhere on the West Coast last month for a family “event.”

Yes, I paid for the booze. The bride and groom said, “Thank you!” and Fancy here said, “Thank you!”. Lord knows what kind of swill those two would have had on tap. Anyhoo. Back to my story.

We were having such a lovely time that Fancy here proposed changing all our tickets and staying another day. H agreed. Nanny #1 thought it was a great idea. The Minis ran naked around the yard screeching. What could go wrong?

Turns out the condo was already rented for that day. A little fact that we only discovered the following morning when the office finally opened at 9:30.

“You must be out by 10,” the unapologetic tart nice lady at the desk squeaked.

What then ensued can only be described by the words “whirling dervish.” In under an hour the Fancies were entirely packed, the refrigerator emptied, the contents sorted and split between myself (wine) and various family members (American cheese), our car packed up, two hotel rooms secured, the luggage transported two blocks away, unloaded, suitcases divided between rooms and H and I were unpacked.
Of note, by “whirling dervish,” I mean me. Fancy.

Nanny #1 is excused: she was policing the naked Minis.

H spent the entire hour lying on his back, in his undies, playing on the iPad and occasionally looking at me and snorting.

The final straw may have been when I finally returned and smiled sweetly at my darling husband, offering to escort him to his new hotel room.

“Well, that was a half a day wasted,” he snorted, resuming his supine position atop the king size bed.

“I completely understand your irritation,” Fancy Therapist concluded. “But you keep doing this to yourself. Why aren’t you staying in the Four fucking Seasons where a concierge would pack you up and move you. Or better yet, you’d know on Sunday whether your condo was available?”

“Because H likes to stay in a rental home. He thinks it is cozier,” I lamented.

“And it is. So fine. But you know what, the Four Seasons has residence apartments too. So do most hotels. And if that fails, you call one of those high-end travel agents and get yourself a luxury villa and a fucking butler to stand in the corner and be at your beck and call. Because frankly, these tales of you schlepping luggage around are just ridiculous. And frankly, the way H works, he shouldn't have to schlep either. Which means it is up to you to decide.”

“He won’t like it,” I complained. “It’s too expensive.”

Fancy Therapist laughed. “Then you give him an option. Option 1 costs X. If the toilet fucking explodes, you lie on your ass and wait for the concierge to physically move you and your family to a new abode. And then there is Option 2 which costs X divided by 10. However, should you choose this option, then you will share in the housekeeping, the luggage schlepping, the children wrangling, the packing and unplugging the toilet. His choice.”

So that’s where we stand. Any takers on which way our next holiday goes?


  1. Ah the old ‘penny wise, pound foolish’ dilemma. Frau Fancy you do need to embrace your Fanciness because it is a gift. Tell H that if he wants cheap luxury than he should stay at home and take a bath. Not sure what to suggest as next holiday destination. Perhaps East Asia where you could get another one of those bamboo treatments?

  2. I just want to marry your therapist. Really. Can he/she come out to Los Angeles as well?

  3. Hmm..so, here is my question. Let's say you present the options and he chooses 2. When you are actually on this less expensive vacation and say, the shit hits the fan, can you really make him help out? Or will it be you by default because it has to be done?

  4. Fancy ... lovely. It is Notes. How has it been a year?
    I still think of you most days as I wonder through your neighbourhood.
    CyberMummy clearly finished me off as a Mummy Blogger as I have not blogged since (although I am about to start another blog).
    My New Year resolution (yes it is June) was about how great it would be to retain contact with yourself and Modern Dilemma.
    So how about it lady, bold enough for a coffee?
    I shall email you.

  5. what does Fancy Therapist say about coming to Britmums Live? or the pub at least on Friday evening?

  6. Foible sounds kind of dirty.....

  7. I believe him. If you can afford it, one of the purposes of money is to put a buffer between oneself and all the unpleasantness out there in the world. You know that thing they say about making your money work for you? This is what it really means!

  8. Just came over to nag you about being a crap blogger when I realised that because I'M a crap blogger I'd missed that fact that you HAD posted!

    ps - 'I like the lie on your ass and wait for the concierge to physically move you and your family to a new abode' option and have named a kitten concierge in honour of you ;-) . x

  9. Ok FF, I've left you alone for long enough - where ARE you girl???

    I miss you ...

    Don't think I'll be leaving you alone so you might just as well give in now and write something ;) xx

  10. Still here (just) - still wondering where you are ... Hope all is ok xx

  11. Just dropped by to say hello and merry Christmas. hope you are well lovely xx

  12. What Laura said - bloody hell FF just come back ok, we MISS you!

  13. Personally, I've always considered "nice lady" and "unapologetic tart" to be synonymous! Thanks for the entertaining read; I have been perusing the internet for blogs to give me ideas for my own, and was pleasantly surprised by your site! My blog is at www.pinksparklynotebook.com, and I would love if an experienced blogger like you wouldn't mind checking it out and giving me some feedback!