Wednesday, 12 January 2011

The Fancy Wife Job Description



I started to write a post about my current Nanny situation and I thought that maybe I should back up. Now, I’m not looking to apologize to any one for being Fancy, nor am I looking for sympathy. But for you to fully understand why I have multiple employees, I thought it might help you to provide some context. And, of course, should you too aspire to the position of Fancy Wife, you’ll be armed with the list of qualifications.

As a Fancy Wife, the following will be expected of you:
  • Keep yourself attractive and fit. This can be accomplished by any means necessary, including multiple personal trainers (at one point I had 3, including my squash coach), or plastic surgery, if you so choose. Shoes and clothes are understood to be essential to this requirement, so, “Hello Airline Miles!” Remember, however, that Fancy Husbands generally prefer shoes that destroy your feet. (Hence the UnFancy bunion)
  • You will be expected to keep the house running smoothly. Fancy Husbands work every hour, every minute, every second of every day. Need a light bulb changed? Hire someone. Think that’s ridiculous? Do it yourself, but don’t you dare fall off that ladder and put yourself in the hospital where you are no good to us!
  • The children will be clean and well cared for. Responsibility for enrolling them in any activity, from Gymboree to Oxford, will be that of the Fancy Wife. As will all dirty nappies.
  • Know how to cover for your Fancy Man. 9/10 he'll be at that dinner party. But once in a while you'll find yourself hosting some random people from his past who don't really speak English. Bottoms up!
  • Have good suitcase packing skills! You will be putting his luggage into a taxi to meet him at the airport more often than you think.
  • Be happy! You have a Fancy Life! Anything that makes you stressed or unhappy is likely not the problem of the Fancy Husband. Find a solution. Smile when he walks through the door. Make his life as easy and as pleasant as you can, even if sometimes you have to bite your tongue so hard it bleeds. Self-reliance is a must!
  • Do NOT pester your Fancy Husband. Within reason, you can solve all problems regarding the house, the children and yourself without bothering him. He’s very busy and very tired. Don’t make him regret coming home before midnight. Remember, asking his opinion means you must listen to it. That’s probably dumb.
  • You are, of course, free to pursue your own interests and even a career. However, these pursuits are not to inconvenience your Fancy Husband or negatively impact upon your home or family. Choose your moments wisely, my dear!
  • Oh, and speaking of inconvenience, just don’t. Whether you have spin class to attend, a facelift to recover from or the housekeeper needs to get upstairs and make the bed, find a way to keep everything running smoothly with a minimum of interruption to your Fancy Man’s existence.

Don’t look at me like that! It’s not all (degrading) hard work! As a Fancy Wife, you’ll enjoy airport lounges and first class upgrades. (Fancy Husbands acquire airline miles by the hundreds of thousands!) What other job could allow you to travel the world, acquire children without actually giving birth and have an actual Nanny rota hanging on your kid’s wall? Just remember when you order the truffle supplement at that Michelin starred restaurant, someone has to pay for it. He’s probably sitting across the table from you, picking his own truffle out of his teeth. Give him a smile and remember that somewhere under there is the man you fell in love with, even when he wasn’t Fancy. If you follow the above rules, you’ll probably even get to see him and maybe even share a laugh at how ridiculous your Fancy lives have become.

And there you are my friends. Should you be self-reliant, industrious and able to stand in 4-inch heels for at least an hour at a time, this might be the job for you! Did I mention that a solid sense of humour is a must? 

7 comments:

  1. Sorry I just couldn't take it - at least I have the option of an argument with my husband about who does the bins etc - even if I never win...

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  2. As I read this I found myself wanting to be fancy one minute, then not wanting to be, then not wanting to be. I'm yet to be convinced I think. It sounds like you need more staff though, let someone else see to the cleanliness of the children (and those nappies).

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  3. I definitely do not have what it takes to be fancy! Shame, really, as I would like to have the perks without the work.

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  4. Bloody Hell! I am failing dismally. Do you have a summer school or Open University course I could enrol in? Hubby would definitely sign me up...(though I'd have to study in my 'spare' time of course.)

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  5. Bloody Hell! I am failing dismally. Do you have a summer school or Open University course I could enrol in? Hubby would definitely sign me up...(though I'd have to study in my 'spare' time of course.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. As I read this I found myself wanting to be fancy one minute, then not wanting to be, then not wanting to be. I'm yet to be convinced I think. It sounds like you need more staff though, let someone else see to the cleanliness of the children (and those nappies).

    ReplyDelete