Monday, 15 August 2011

Fancy Drops Weight



And yes, it’s time for another instalment of “No, I really can’t make this shit up.” I have heard, more than once, that there is speculation that this blog is just a big fat lie. Well, I want you to know, once and for all, that Fancy here is just not that creative. I’m not. What I am is slow and sometimes terribly daft. That is what is true, my friends. And here is some proof.

Fancy found herself on a Cheap Ass Air flight last week. Yes, it’s true. I had to go to a gallery opening in one of those little Eastern European towns where the women all have moustaches. I booked the flight months ago, long before our Fine Fancy Family Holiday. Then I forgot about it. Somewhere in my brain there was a protective mechanism that clicked into place, making me think that my short trip out East involved a flight on Discount Doofus Air, which is no frills but relatively harmless. After all, the universe couldn’t be that cruel, could it.

And then I went to check in. Yes, that’s right. Not Discount Doofus. No. Cheap Ass. My favourite airline.

But Fancy here is nothing if not plucky. And it was just me travelling. So I decided to grin and bear it. 


My mistake.

I decided this time not to check any bags since I was only going up for a night. Fancy PA, who is the world’s most awesome packer, had my liquids separated out, my travel documents in a handy pocket, my little tiny suitcase exquisitely laid out and organized. And off I went.

With the sleekness of a woman suddenly travelling without two toddlers, I raced through security and on to my gate. But a mere 6 feet from my Priority Boarding line, I was stopped. By a CAA employee. She was randomly pulling people aside to weigh their hand luggage. And I was apparently looking suspiciously overweight.

The limit is 10kg.

My bag weight: 11.2kg.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked that miserable bitch as she instructed me to jettison 1.2kg of Fanciness. “Put on all my clothes?”

“As you wish, Ma’am,” snipped that little tart.

Did I mention that I’m plucky? So I got down on my knees, opened my bag and took my floor length gown out of Fancy PA’s carefully wrapped tissues. And I wrapped it around my neck. Like a scarf. Next I pulled my wrap on, over my jacket. Finally I took my wallet (because we all know that is where the weight is) and tucked it into my underwear.

Standing up, I set my suitcase back on the scale. 9.9kg.

“Thank you,” she sneered.

And I walked the 6 feet to my gate, where I promptly opened my bag and repacked. Throwing in my jacket for good measure.

Assholes.

But I certainly think it makes for a good story, don’t you? Maybe even Frock It quality? I can’t offer you an actual photo of me, oh so Fancy, sashaying down the terminal with an evening gown wrapped around her neck. You’ll have to use your imagination. But this picture might help.


And no, I really didn’t make this up.  

23 comments:

  1. Hahahahahaha!! What a nice way to start my Monday and first week back in the UK. Hope the gallery opening was fun.

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  2. You are the laugh in my belly, the smile in my eyes, and the humour in my day. Thank the sweet, sweet Lord for Fancy. Of course you're not making this shit up, darling. As if. I wouldn't care even if you were - just keep on sharing!!!! xxxxxxxx

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  3. welcome back!! Glad to see ya! x

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  4. It's all for you, Sal. All for you. xx

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  5. Love it - show's what they get for messing with feisty Fancy!

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  6. This is one of the many reasons why I love your blog, even if you were making this stuff up, though I know you're not, since I don't have trust issues. Next time I fly CAA to Rome I'll be sure to pack a ball gown just to be "fancy" in the face of snarkiness!!
    p.s. I also really want to buy a giant gorilla with a grill now.

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  7. As I wipe the tears away from my eyes I am so glad to have found your blog! That was hilarious and even though you didn't get an actual photo, you painted the picture just the same!

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  8. Welcome! Glad we found each other. Many thanks for the nice words.

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  9. Ha ha Moomsie! Wanna start a band? We could wear gold gorilla masks...

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  10. Oh, yes, don't mess with the Fancy!

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  11. Stripping at the zoo to scarfing ball gowns who could make this shit up.

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  12. Nobody could make this stuff up. I just sent my mom a link to your blog because I think she is going to love it too.

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  13. The fact that you can be so kind when you are so bloody hungry, well, that brings tears to my eyes. x

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  14. hilarious, I first read this as "scarfing" as in eating. And that wouldn't be very Fancy. But I got you. And no, can't make it up! x

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  15. Your powers of imagination are impressive FP!

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  16. Ha! I think I shall knit myself a scarf that big just so I can look fancy, too.

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  17. Ahahahaha, now this post has cheered me up no end. I don't get their rules sometimes on these budget airlines...they are crazy. I've seen people wearing ridiculous amounts of clothes before.

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  18. Maybe you should wear the evening gown as a scarf just round about the place? Start a trend, influence style..." A/W '12 Chanel catwalk - chiffon gown draped insouciantly round model's neck... model also has (Chanel) wallet stuffed down (Chanel) knickers... " THANKS TO FANCY. BAM!

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  19. Exactly! I think they should weigh us all naked.

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  20. Love that common sense approach - and, even better, it sounds like it would have created a fabulous outfit. I wish she could have seen you put it all back into your bag though, that would have been fun.

    Thanks for frocking it with me, always a pleasure my love!! x

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  21. That had me laughing out loud, Fancy. Kudos to you! For a woman, you've got a great set of balls!

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