Friday, 23 September 2011

Fancy Lights Up

No, no, let's be clear here. Fancy is not a smoker. That would make me stinky and wrinkly. I paid a lot for these sparkly teeth and I plan on keeping them. What I mean is that I am currently at the total and absolute mercy of the man who means the difference between getting any work done, putting on my make up or letting the Minis have their Elmo hour versus moving to a Fancy Hotel. Yes, that's right. My electrician is here.

And he has me by my Fancy balls.

"So, Frau Fancy, as you can see the Whackashocker is a low voltage Slipashooter. That means this here wire--which is much longer but I bravely sliced through it with your kitchen shears, with no thought to my own health and safety seeing as how important I know this is to you---has become as brittle as your mother-in-law's overbleached hair."

"Okay. Um, sure. And?"

"Without a limber and flexible new Transformerroboticaeroplane you will live for ever in darkness."

Why can't they speak English? Even British English. I might understand something. I feel like he's just showing off now.

"So," he continued, "the process here now is that I have to go look in the truck. Maybe I have a replacement or even a Ohmfusionater to use."

"And if you don't?"

"Well then I'll have to run to the shoppe and get one."

"Okay." Like what else am I going to say here? Oh wait, I think I've got one of those in my jewelry box?

"Uh, well, I'll have to charge you. For the time and all that."

"Okay." As if I have any other options here.

"And congestion charge. But that doesn't have VAT."

What exactly does he expect me to say? That £10 is going to keep me from saying yes to a project that is clearly already cleared £200? I would think it a safe assumption that if I have already agreed to an emergency site visit from a company offering same day service that I am desperate. I need light. I need make up. We need Elmo.

Home ownership. The process by which many skilled labourers enter my home, stick a vise on my proverbial balls and then pull wads of cash out of my nose. At least this one takes a credit card.

Let there be light.


  1. Oh tradesmen. I can handle not knowing what they are actually doing. I just hate it when they say they are coming at a certain time and then never turn up.

    We have a good electrician though. He used to play football with The Farmer. When we renovated our last house (which was relatively old) he was in the roof and was very concerned the electrics were so bad things would catch on fire. He had found some stuff which had tried to have a bit of a smoulder and fortunately not got any further. He shouted down to me that he was worried so I duly tried to chase down The Farmer to see what he wanted him to do. He said to tell him to just keep going until it was safe. The electrician was in that roof for the best part of 3 days! (We did let him go home at night.)

    Take care Fancy.

  2. I'm too scared to let an electrician near my wiring in case he condemns the whole place :)

  3. Your electrician takes a credit card? Here they don't even come to your house unless you promise to pay them in cash...

  4. My unfancy electrician (non emergency) came round with his apprentice and said it would be £200 a day, I innocently said 'For both of you' which seemed to open a door for him and his face lit up. "Oh no, that'll be £250 he said.
    'Plucked out of thin air' and
    'Frikkin taking the piss boy?!'
    are phrases that came to mind before I sighed, remembered my last attempts at wall-light wiring and said "Fine".

  5. sorry, tired, missed punctuation...long post of own tonight..unfancy apologies x

  6. Oh dear I hope you it sorted....and the Mini's got Elmo back. xx

  7. We are fortunate to have a friend who does this stuff. Unfortunately, when installing new fixtures he doesn't measure and many of our sockets and a few light switches are ever so slightly crooked. But hey! It was cheap! Ugh. Good luck x

  8. I send the candles. They'll be there by Monday, well before you actually have lights again.

  9. actually doesn't matter which Monday the way this country works...thanks!

  10. Oh but what I would have to pay in therapy to overcome the crooked switches!

  11. I know, Britain is so forward thinking!