Monday, 7 February 2011

Mr. Fancy: Time To Up Your Game


On my way out of the gym the other day, one of the anorexic little girls working there handed me a “heart healthy” checklist. I was to review all the categories and see where I could make some changes. Well that is simple. I’m a Fancy Wife. By definition, I have to make every effort to outlive my husband and look good for my next one, a handsome young man who probably hasn’t been born yet. My heart is fine. But I thought H should have a look, so I brought it home and tried to answer all the questions from his perspective before posting it on the fridge. Here goes:

  • Age: Doing okay here. Under 45. By a hair. Which is about all he has on his head, by the way. One hair. Next.
  • Family History: Okay here. My mother-in-law will probably never die.
  • Smoking: Nope. That’s stinky.
  • Activity Levels: OOPS! By activity do we mean using a steak knife? Or surfing the Internet? I mean, his typing is really good. And fast. That’s gotta count for something, no?
  • BMI: Ouch. Not telling.
  • Waist Measurement: Well, is this what size trousers he can button if they are really stretched out and he’s lying down on the bed while buttoning? No? Hmm.
  • Cholesterol: Well that’s why God invented Lipitor, isn’t it?
  • Do you add salt to food: Of course. One must salt the steak before putting it on the grill.
  • Tinned, processed or fried foods?: Yay! Hardly ever. Steak in a tin sounds nasty.
  • Fruits and Vegetables: Of course! Can’t just serve up a steak, can you?
  • Saturated Fat: Now here I’m upset. There are only 2 choices. “Not aware of the fat content of the food I eat” OR “I choose foods low in saturated fat.” Where is H’s option? I must write it in myself apparently. “I am fully aware of the fat content of foods that I eat. However, it is steak. It is why I have teeth.”

 Okay, so we’re done. How do you guys think he’s doing? Any room for improvement?

5 comments:

  1. Family History: Okay here. My mother-in-law will probably never die. << this made me giggle! I'm starting to think the same about mine!

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  2. Fabulously. You'll have your young second husband in no time!

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  3. Oh this had me laughing! Just so funny. I shudder to think what my own stats would be, but oddly enough LOML would do well!! x

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  4. Love the mother in law comment. My mother always said of her's....
    "She's too fucking evil to die".

    Really quite mean but strangely I find it fits my own MIL perfectly.

    MD x

    PS Seriously? I now have to tell the Alpha Male that fancy Shire Steak is not good for him? Jeeezzzzzzzz, as if we don't have enough to argue about......

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  5. Fabulously. You'll have your young second husband in no time!

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