On my way out of the gym the other day, one of the anorexic little girls working there handed me a “heart healthy” checklist. I was to review all the categories and see where I could make some changes. Well that is simple. I’m a Fancy Wife. By definition, I have to make every effort to outlive my husband and look good for my next one, a handsome young man who probably hasn’t been born yet. My heart is fine. But I thought H should have a look, so I brought it home and tried to answer all the questions from his perspective before posting it on the fridge. Here goes:
- Age: Doing okay here. Under 45. By a hair. Which is about all he has on his head, by the way. One hair. Next.
- Family History: Okay here. My mother-in-law will probably never die.
- Smoking: Nope. That’s stinky.
- Activity Levels: OOPS! By activity do we mean using a steak knife? Or surfing the Internet? I mean, his typing is really good. And fast. That’s gotta count for something, no?
- BMI: Ouch. Not telling.
- Waist Measurement: Well, is this what size trousers he can button if they are really stretched out and he’s lying down on the bed while buttoning? No? Hmm.
- Cholesterol: Well that’s why God invented Lipitor, isn’t it?
- Do you add salt to food: Of course. One must salt the steak before putting it on the grill.
- Tinned, processed or fried foods?: Yay! Hardly ever. Steak in a tin sounds nasty.
- Fruits and Vegetables: Of course! Can’t just serve up a steak, can you?
- Saturated Fat: Now here I’m upset. There are only 2 choices. “Not aware of the fat content of the food I eat” OR “I choose foods low in saturated fat.” Where is H’s option? I must write it in myself apparently. “I am fully aware of the fat content of foods that I eat. However, it is steak. It is why I have teeth.”
Family History: Okay here. My mother-in-law will probably never die. << this made me giggle! I'm starting to think the same about mine!
ReplyDeleteFabulously. You'll have your young second husband in no time!
ReplyDeleteOh this had me laughing! Just so funny. I shudder to think what my own stats would be, but oddly enough LOML would do well!! x
ReplyDeleteLove the mother in law comment. My mother always said of her's....
ReplyDelete"She's too fucking evil to die".
Really quite mean but strangely I find it fits my own MIL perfectly.
MD x
PS Seriously? I now have to tell the Alpha Male that fancy Shire Steak is not good for him? Jeeezzzzzzzz, as if we don't have enough to argue about......
Fabulously. You'll have your young second husband in no time!
ReplyDelete