On my way out of the gym the other day, one of the anorexic little girls working there handed me a “heart healthy” checklist. I was to review all the categories and see where I could make some changes. Well that is simple. I’m a Fancy Wife. By definition, I have to make every effort to outlive my husband and look good for my next one, a handsome young man who probably hasn’t been born yet. My heart is fine. But I thought H should have a look, so I brought it home and tried to answer all the questions from his perspective before posting it on the fridge. Here goes:
- Age: Doing okay here. Under 45. By a hair. Which is about all he has on his head, by the way. One hair. Next.
- Family History: Okay here. My mother-in-law will probably never die.
- Smoking: Nope. That’s stinky.
- Activity Levels: OOPS! By activity do we mean using a steak knife? Or surfing the Internet? I mean, his typing is really good. And fast. That’s gotta count for something, no?
- BMI: Ouch. Not telling.
- Waist Measurement: Well, is this what size trousers he can button if they are really stretched out and he’s lying down on the bed while buttoning? No? Hmm.
- Cholesterol: Well that’s why God invented Lipitor, isn’t it?
- Do you add salt to food: Of course. One must salt the steak before putting it on the grill.
- Tinned, processed or fried foods?: Yay! Hardly ever. Steak in a tin sounds nasty.
- Fruits and Vegetables: Of course! Can’t just serve up a steak, can you?
- Saturated Fat: Now here I’m upset. There are only 2 choices. “Not aware of the fat content of the food I eat” OR “I choose foods low in saturated fat.” Where is H’s option? I must write it in myself apparently. “I am fully aware of the fat content of foods that I eat. However, it is steak. It is why I have teeth.”
