What do you wish for when money isn’t the issue? I’m reading all these wonderful Listographies and see a theme: flowers, Tiffany’s, a housekeeper. What if you already have that? What do you get Mrs. Fancy for Valentine’s Day?
My youth. No bunions. No wrinkles. Breasts that perkily look toward the sky, not my socks. Oh yes, I know all of this can be surgically corrected. But that would hurt. And render me useless to my family. So I have to wait until the girls are older, painkillers are stronger and H magically becomes more independent.
A metabolism. I don’t love having to go the gym all the time. Couldn’t I have a few months off? Or could someone invent a magic pill that I could take once I get myself in really good shape and it would keep me that way? I would work out 4 hours a day for that.
Fertility. Okay this one, I’m actually torn on. If H and I hadn’t had to climb that mountain on our road to parenthood, well we wouldn’t have these girls. But I’m nearing the midpoint of my life. Do I even try? Can I really be okay, looking back at my life, and know that I was never part of the pregnancy club? It’s hard, putting back cocktails with the girls and listening to them moan about their C-section scars and incontinent bladders and not want to smack each of them firmly across the mouth. Then again, my belly is flat as a board and I don’t leak. Hmmm. Still thinking about this one.
A day without guilt. Is there such a thing after you become a mother? I’m guilty when I’m not with them because I should be, shouldn’t I? I am guilty when I’m with them because I should be content to sit on the floor making animal sounds for hours on end, right? I feel guilty when other mothers talk about how amazing it is that I can manage two toddlers, get my makeup on and cook a 3-course meal. I have 2 Nannies, people. It’s not that hard. I am guilty all the bloody time. It’s exhausting.
And finally, I would like to rid the world of stupid people. Especially the stupid, arrogant kind. There’s lot’s of them. Itwould save my sanity and the planet.
Okay, there’s my list. Is there a place I can register for all this or what?