This week’s Listography asks where you’d like to travel if you could go anywhere in time, forward or backward. I think Kate Takes 5 had some mighty clever answers. She went to see dinosaurs and then fast forwarded to make sure her greatgrandchildren actually existed and their ancestors weren’t so completely fucked up they couldn’t even procreate thanks to her. I think that shows a real appreciation for both where we’ve come from and where we are going, don’t you? In fact, her post was so good, I was tempted to just call her up and book a companion fare (in business class, obviously). But lazy guilt got the best of me. So I wrote my own. But I’m keeping it closer to home. After all, she took care of the big picture for me. And for that I say, “Thanks Kate! Now it can be all about me!”
That’s right. We’re going to travel Fancy’s life and relive some of those more outstanding moments in time. It’s a short flight today, folks, cruising altitude just under 4 decades. Fasten those belts and no smoking in the lavatory.
The Early 70’s. Fancy is born. Her mother brings a “newborn” outfit to the hospital. It comes to, oh, about her nipple line. It’s going to be a long road…
1973. Fancy is a toddler. She gets all black baby dolls for Christmas. After a little incident involving an elevator, a family of "colour" and some uncensored squeals of delight and excitement.
1978. Fancy in elementary school. Her parents arrive at the pageant and take their seats, fully expecting their darling daughter to recite the very well rehearsed speech on John F. Kennedy that they had heard a dozen times. Instead she pulls “a Palin” and starts rambling about sexual dalliances and alcohol fueled violence. The other parents began howling while hers tried desperately to claw through the floor. Watch that home library kids!
1982. Fancy is in middle school. “They want to skip her ahead,” she hears her mother saying. “She’s already beyond all their basic math levels.” “But look at her. She’s a social retard. Keep her where she is. It’s not all about grades, you know,” muttered her father.
1986. Fancy’s mother perms her bangs. She has an asymmetric haircut. It could be cool, but it’s not. She is a member of the competitive Science Olympiad team. Not prom queen. Science Olympiad. Think about that.
1992. Glamour Shots. If you don’t know what this is, God Bless You. If you do, maybe you have some too? It’s a deep, secret shame. Hers involved hot pink lipstick and leather. Oh and a full on perm. (See how I’m slipping in a little Gallery too!?! Huh? Do ya?)
2001. Fancy receives every lighthouse themed home decoration every made from family and friends after a slight misunderstanding regarding Nine Eleven and the White House.
2006. Fancy comes to the UK. Someone should really let people on Transatlantic flights know that “fanny packs” are not what they are called here. Faggots too. Rubbers. Bangers. Stop it.
2010. Fancy is sitting in her living room, pouring a glass of wine and opening a website called “blogspot.com.” She needs an outlet. Where can she confess her deepest darkest moments without the consequence of really public humiliation? Oh yes. Right here. Thank you.