Packing Mr. Fancy

Speaking of H's complete meltdown while preparing to catch his flight a couple of weeks ago, I thought I would share with you some more specifics of the duties of a Fancy Wife. Today's lesson: Suitcases.

H and I have a strict rule around here when it comes to packing him for business trips. Okay, that is an absolute lie. I have a strict rule. It goes like this: I’m not a butler. I am not employed by a hotel. I am not in bondage, servitude or listed in anyone’s slave log. Let’s start there.

I am, however, a loving wife. Put this all together and it goes like this: if you call me from the office and ask me to pack a bag to meet you at the airport, then, yes, I will help you. I’ll even make sure your underwear doesn’t have holes. I’ll take it out to the street and hand it to a very perplexed taxi driver along with a note telling him where to go. However, if you’re just a lazy shmo who gets out of bed 15 minutes before your car pick-up and then starts screaming at me to move out of your way, well then we’re going to have a problem, aren’t we?

Packing H usually falls somewhere between these scenarios and doesn’t usually create too much drama. Unpacking, however, is another matter. Refer to the first paragraph. You don’t “drop your bags” at the bottom of the stairs and expect your wife to carry them up two flights and then unpack them, sorting your dirty laundry from clean, minibar receipts from taxi fares. Before we had Nanny #2, we had proper luggage standoffs, with his bags remaining packed full of dirty clothes and sitting at the base of the stairs for days, sometimes weeks, until his next trip forced his hand.

Anyway, if I do decide to pack for H, let me tell you how a Fancy Wife packs for a Fancy Husband to go do Fancy Business.

• Passport(s). Credit Card(s). He’ll have them in the office, but double check.
• Shirts. It is a good idea to have your dry cleaner always return a set of shirts neatly folded and wrapped in plastic for easy packing. I’ve found that trying to teach a housekeeper the difference between cuffed and uncuffed shirts is nearly impossible. But, if you can, try to get the uncuffed shirts into the “folded” bag on dry cleaning pick up day. However, always include a small plastic container with a pair of very plain cufflinks that will go with anything. Just in case.
• Ties. Two ties that match one suit and shirts of a neutral color mean that Mr. Fancy doesn’t have to do much thinking in the mornings. Plus, should he spill a little coffee on one, he can simply swap shirts before a dinner meeting.
• Underwear. His. Resist the temptation to slip in a pair of naughty panties. Black thongs are what girlfriends put into luggage. Fancy Wives hold more power than what’s between their legs. Put in enough underwear to get him through the trip, plus one.
• To the same point: Mr. Fancy could have a girl in every port, if he so chose, so try putting in something that reminds him why he will want to resist temptation and come home to you. To his family. Consider a photo of your children. Or a copy of your mortgage statement. A reminder that he really only wants to have (pay for) one Fancy Family.
• Then there are the random bits to keep him alive and ticking until he returns home: Blood pressure medication. Cholesterol medication. Vitamins.

Anything else (toothpaste, razor, shampoo) will be provided either onboard or at the Fancy Hotel. Same for laundry and dry cleaning. Remember, packing Fancy style is about simplicity.

As for you, well it’s sweatpants airplane lounge wear and chick flicks time! When Mr. Fancy is gone, you don't have to be Fancy. You get a break. So let your skin breathe! Have cereal for dinner. Drink cheap booze! Don't worry, he'll be home soon enough. After all, he's got a mighty fine Fancy Wife to return to.