Friday, 3 February 2012

Fancy Demands

Greeting from the Fancy Sofa, where I’m sitting in my work uniform (First Class Fancy Airline Sweatshirt and old jeans), occasionally staring out my window (which still doesn’t have blinds of any kind—oh hello neighbours!), and trying to get some work done. The Minis are at playgroup. Or music. Or swimming. Anyway, they’re somewhere cool. And I’m trying to be productive.

Even as my cleaning lady fluffs the pillows around me.

She’s a new one and I admire the way she’s fit right in, getting things done despite my presence. It’s always tricky, hiring someone to scrub your floors. She’s got to be trustworthy, industrious and know the difference between Cif Bathroom Cleaner and Cif Kitchen Cleaner. (One comes in a yellow bottle and one is white. Fancy here did not actually know this until recently when one of the Nannies asked why I use bathroom cleaner on my kitchen counters. Anyhoo.)

Yes, Fancy has a long list of requirements if you want to come scrub my toilets. However, this time we really lucked out. Because on this search for a new Hoover Master, I had one basic criteria: ALIVE.

Yes. That was pretty much my whole list.

I was desperate, you see. Remember back to the whole “No Nanny, 4 senior citizens Holiday Adventure?” Well, I only mentioned there was no housekeeper. I didn’t tell you the whole story. As in for the first week, we had the whole bunch of them at the Fancy Home. Where I was expected to cook and clean and entertain the masses.

Without a Nanny, which was bad enough. But wait, it was actually worse than you could imagine.

My cleaning lady was in the hospital in critical care.

Which was terrible, I mean terrible, on so very many levels. For her. For her family. For her children at Christmas time.

And for me. 

Oh woe was me. I became intimately acquainted with the Cif bottles. Only I wasn’t sure where the mop was, which is why I went through the house everyday on my hands and knees pushing Flash Wipes around my hardwoods. (Is that okay? Did I do that right?)

Anyhoo, I then had to do what any Fancy lady would do in this circumstance. I had to fire my cleaning lady. Oh, don’t look at me like that. First I had Fancy PA send enough food to fill their fridge for the holidays. Then I fired her.

I mean, seriously, what was I supposed to do? Give her a bucket big enough for an oxygen tank and window cleaner?

So that brings us to our new Fancy Cleaner. I really like her. So far she’s doing a great job. The kitchen is sparkling, she irons like a mad woman. Oh, and her kidneys seem to function just fine.

I’m not asking too much, am I?


  1. I know I shouldn't laught at this, but I can't help myself.

    I would actually love to come work for you.

    How many nannies do you have?

    I hope your ex cleaning lady survived!

  2. Well hello!!! 2 nannies, 1 regular sitter and a back up. Alas, it seems we're full up but I'll keep you in the files. :-) And to answer your question, she's doing fine. I promised she could come clean up when we have our next party. Assuming the contact isolation has been lifted....

  3. Hmm, well I'm still available for all you interior design needs, I have mood boards, I have fabric swtches, I have colour charts ..... actaully, that's all lies ...

    But you know, I could GET some ... xx

  4. Yes, your Fanciness, you DID clean the floor properly!! At least, that's how I do it must be right?? Don't answer that.
    And how can I put this delicately...I'm a fully qualified, bona fide teacher who can teach from reception to Year 12, with a masters degree in education...and I cannot, for love or money, get a freakin job in this $&^%*(^$ country. Because I deign to desire part-time work. So I can at least see my kids for a while before they turn 14 and hate my stinking guts. Could I come work for you?? Please?? I clean like the buggery, I'm good with kids, and I'd bring you wine. And chocolate. And I love you. Not in a lesbos way, of course...christ alive, I'm tired. Possibly said something stupid...might leave now...sorry. xxxxxxx

  5. Hmm... I guess one should play to one's strengths. You wanna commission a song from me?

  6. When you say her kidneys work just fine, does that mean she wees a lot? I'm not sure you're allowed to ask those sorts of questions in an interview....Still, if it gets the cleaning done, Go Fancy!

    Please can I retract my CV from your in-tray? There are way too many applicants for my liking [see, I'm playing hard to get...]