Friday, 3 June 2011

Fancy’s Search for a Spouse



Ha. Seems a lot of you were pretty excited about Fancy Therapist’s demands that Fancy here find herself some extra help. Time for an update, no? But first, let me answer some of your questions.

No a full time job is not a requirement for hiring a PA. Simply look incredibly busy, be incredibly frazzled, make sure your husband’s shirts aren’t returned from the dry cleaner’s on time and that you have enough disposable income in place.

And to answer Kate’s question, yes, FT does have children. But to give you an idea of how he thinks parenting works let me replay a conversation where he was chiding me for mismanaging my staff (yet again):

“What the fuck? Are you telling me that you’re not only buying special meals for your picky eater baby nurse but she sits in the back room watching soap operas and taking naps while you pick shit out of your kid’s armpits? “

“Well, I want to spend time with the baby. And I’d rather she not be around. Because frankly she drives me insane. And I want her to be comfortable. I mean, she does get up with the baby all night long and she’s no spring chicken.”

“Seriously. You did not hire her to make her life easier. She takes care of the baby. Minimum 6 months. Weekends too. You go in there and jiggle the kid around or whatever whenever you feel like it. If she starts talking to you, just walk away. One day she’ll hand you back a fully formed person who sleeps all night and you can get a day Nanny. But dirty diapers are not your job. You can do your mothering with a clean baby. And you take the naps.”

Does that clarify his position? So back to hiring Fancy some more help.

Lou actually applied for the position but I had to decline. I’m afraid her home life and chickens would suffer from her 3-hour commute. Not to mention I really didn’t want to feel pressured to buy her children’s tomato plants. So I called an agency.

“Good morning! Fancy Domestic Staff Agency. How can I help?”

“Hi. I need a wife.”

“Excuse me?”

“Actually. My husband needs a 2nd wife. (Which would actually make her our 4th wife if you count the Nannies.) We collectively need a wife who will do all that wife crap that is keeping me from getting any work done. Like groceries and bills and getting his shoes resoled. Do you know what I mean?”

“Ah. I believe you mean a PA. Yes, ha ha. Let me just get some details….okay, part time, in your home, computer skills, all that’s fine. Do you need a driver?”

“A driver? No we’re not that Fancy. Not yet anyway. I just need a PA. Not a truckload of domestic staff. We have a car service…oh you mean does the PA need to have a drivers license? Ha ha. Got it. No, that’s fine. I mean, it’s not a terribly glamorous position but I really could use the help.”

Turns out they know exactly what I mean. And the interviews have begun…

10 comments:

  1. I soooooo would love a wife (I mean PA). Lucky you!

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  2. Been slogging away reading blog posts that leave me flatter than Kate Moss and then there appears a little sparkle of fancy to brighten my day! Thank the blogging heavens! Good luck with the interviews

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  3. I think what you need is like a butler for mummies. Although since I watched the Australian premiere of Downton Abbey I have decided I need a butler, valet, several maids and a couple of footmen.... Will let you know how it goes.

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  4. I used to have a weird problem enjoying myself when the nanny was around...I had to have her take my kid and go somewhere or I'd have to leave just to get a break. Funny how we feel extremely lazy when we have our help actually help us?

    Good luck with the interviews!

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  5. FT really knows how to employ a phrase...pick shit out of your kids armpits...love that one!

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  6. You Miss Fancy are going to need a bigger house...well played ! Enjoy the interrogations oops I mean interviews xx

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  7. Happy days. So after the PA is found is the next step employing someone to go in and 'jiggle the kid around' for you? I wonder if FT's kids have an FT...

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  8. I would like to put my husband forward for this role if I may, equal opportunities and all that.

    He is so organised he hoovers the car before going on a holiday to the each.

    nuff said.

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  9. Oh, good luck with the interviews. Should I ever become rich and/or famous a wife (PA) is tops on my list (right behind nanny, cook and maid anyway!)

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