Fancy Calculations

Marriage is all about communication. You need to know how to speak to your spouse in order to make him understand you. The language you choose to use can make all the difference. For example, when speaking to H, I must put everything in a format that he can actually understand. Because logic and emotional intelligence are not really his strong suits. So carrying on about how he can't understand because he hasn't flown economy let alone discount in decades, or about travelling with toddlers or anything else wasn't going to get me anywhere. I had to let the number do the talking. 

“Sit. I have to show you something. Here is the cost calculation of what flying Cheap Ass Air actually did to your wallet. Pay attention.” And I laid out my presentation: The True Cost of Flying Cheap Ass Air.

Me, Nanny #1, the Minis: Outbound flight:

159.96 EUR Total Fare

105.16 EUR Taxes, Fees & Charges

8.00 EUR Passenger Fee: CANX

24.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Web Check in

90.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Checked Bag(s)

16.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Priority Boarding

24.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Administration Fee

427.12 EUR Total Paid

Me, Nanny #1, the Minis: Return flight:

79.96 GBP Total Fare

0.00 GBP Taxes, Fees & Charges

8.00 GBP Passenger Fee: CANX

24.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Web Check in

90.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Checked Bag(s)

16.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Priority Boarding

1.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Mobile Text

24.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Administration Fee

242.96 GBP Total Paid

“What? Oh, that’s apparently a fee they charge just in case the flight is cancelled. No, I’m not fucking with you. Yes, web check-in is mandatory. And yes, I’m aware they changed the currency depending on the direction you fly, although the fees remain exactly the same, never mind the exchange rate. Yes, I’m absofuckinglutely serious. Now, may I continue?”

H’s unused flights (I’ll spare you the actual breakdown since it’s the same, but the totals?

114.28 EUR and 67.99 GBP

“I know. It is amazing that you didn’t even check in, let alone fly, and yet we were still charged all that. Now stop moving your lips. I’m not done.”

Two infant seats in addition to the child seats makes 20 GBP x 2 x 2. Or maybe EUR. I have no fucking idea at this point.

Extra luggage since the Minis were not allowed theirs once their true ages were uncovered, although CAA is keeping the money: 60 EUR + 60 GBP

AND: Hotel the night before, since trains don’t run at ungodly o’clock: £200. 1 pair lost shoes plus my new kindle in security: roughly £200, the shittiest coffee known to man £9, and finally food and booze on the return flight £25.

“Okay, got that? Grand total comes to, um, oh Christ on a bike, I can’t add this all up. Alright, here: 641.40 EUR plus 844.95GBP. Well, if it makes you feel better, take out the £400 for the hotel and our lost belongings. But then go ahead and add back in the 3 hours of Fancy Therapy it’s going to take to repair the damage done to my psyche. And our relationship. Which is another 2400USD.”

H just stared at me. “Okay. I got it. We’re done.”

“Thank you darling. Now let’s practice something. The only words I ever want to hear come out of your mouth with regards to me and the children and air travel are as follows:” I said, as slowly and calmly as I could. (We were out of numbers and back into emotional intelligence territory.)

“Now repeat. ‘Did you use cash or miles for those upgrades, dear?’”

Oh Cheap Ass Air. It was fun while it lasted. I’ll miss you. xFF