Monday, 8 August 2011

Fancy Calculations

Marriage is all about communication. You need to know how to speak to your spouse in order to make him understand you. The language you choose to use can make all the difference. For example, when speaking to H, I must put everything in a format that he can actually understand. Because logic and emotional intelligence are not really his strong suits. So carrying on about how he can't understand because he hasn't flown economy let alone discount in decades, or about travelling with toddlers or anything else wasn't going to get me anywhere. I had to let the number do the talking. 

“Sit. I have to show you something. Here is the cost calculation of what flying Cheap Ass Air actually did to your wallet. Pay attention.” And I laid out my presentation: The True Cost of Flying Cheap Ass Air.

Me, Nanny #1, the Minis: Outbound flight:

159.96 EUR Total Fare
105.16 EUR Taxes, Fees & Charges
8.00 EUR Passenger Fee: CANX
24.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Web Check in
90.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Checked Bag(s)
16.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Priority Boarding
24.00 EUR Passenger Fee: Administration Fee
427.12 EUR Total Paid
Me, Nanny #1, the Minis: Return flight:
79.96 GBP Total Fare
0.00 GBP Taxes, Fees & Charges
8.00 GBP Passenger Fee: CANX
24.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Web Check in
90.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Checked Bag(s)
16.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Priority Boarding
1.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Mobile Text
24.00 GBP Passenger Fee: Administration Fee
242.96 GBP Total Paid

“What? Oh, that’s apparently a fee they charge just in case the flight is cancelled. No, I’m not fucking with you. Yes, web check-in is mandatory. And yes, I’m aware they changed the currency depending on the direction you fly, although the fees remain exactly the same, never mind the exchange rate. Yes, I’m absofuckinglutely serious. Now, may I continue?”
H’s unused flights (I’ll spare you the actual breakdown since it’s the same, but the totals?
114.28 EUR and 67.99 GBP
“I know. It is amazing that you didn’t even check in, let alone fly, and yet we were still charged all that. Now stop moving your lips. I’m not done.”
Two infant seats in addition to the child seats makes 20 GBP x 2 x 2. Or maybe EUR. I have no fucking idea at this point.
Extra luggage since the Minis were not allowed theirs once their true ages were uncovered, although CAA is keeping the money: 60 EUR + 60 GBP
AND: Hotel the night before, since trains don’t run at ungodly o’clock: £200. 1 pair lost shoes plus my new kindle in security: roughly £200, the shittiest coffee known to man £9, and finally food and booze on the return flight £25.
“Okay, got that? Grand total comes to, um, oh Christ on a bike, I can’t add this all up. Alright, here: 641.40 EUR plus 844.95GBP. Well, if it makes you feel better, take out the £400 for the hotel and our lost belongings. But then go ahead and add back in the 3 hours of Fancy Therapy it’s going to take to repair the damage done to my psyche. And our relationship. Which is another 2400USD.”
H just stared at me. “Okay. I got it. We’re done.”
“Thank you darling. Now let’s practice something. The only words I ever want to hear come out of your mouth with regards to me and the children and air travel are as follows:” I said, as slowly and calmly as I could. (We were out of numbers and back into emotional intelligence territory.)
“Now repeat. ‘Did you use cash or miles for those upgrades, dear?’”
Oh Cheap Ass Air. It was fun while it lasted. I’ll miss you. xFF


  1. Seriously, babycakes, use some of those upgrades to get your Fancy backside over here. I mean it. There's only so much hilarity I can stand from afar!!! (You made me snort very unattractively. Then again, I suppose there really isn't any way to snort attractively, is there?) xxxx

  2. I am confident, Sal, that you snort delicately and with style. After all, I do. :-) xx

  3. I'm really not particular about most things but flying business class is a must. Unless it's Virgin America in which case I can handle economy. Otherwise? I'd rather not go. But we fly mostly on miles...if we had to fork over money for a business class ticket I might be flying Cheap Ass Air myself...

  4. These calculations are frightening. I didn't realise the cost of flying cheap ass and will send onto hubby. Plus what about the mental health cost of arriving incredibly tired and hassled. You need to come over here and get the US out of its debt crisis, you'd do 3,000 times better than anyone else.

  5. Cheap air flights really dont exist anymore especially when travelling with children! We had a choice next week FLy KLM or Ryanair, when added up KLM came out cheaper, more baggae allowance and better travel times.

  6. At least you only flew CAA on a short flight and not transatlantic! These are valuable lessons to teach husbands, I am printing it out to prove to mine that there is no such thing as a "last minute deal". If we want to be comfortable on holiday we're going to have to pay regular price and stop arguing about it. Also, I'm always right (shouldn't he have learned this by now?!)

  7. Moomsie, you go print and rub his nose in it. My permission!

  8. Yes, mental health is utmost! I agree. The US gov't should invite me over. After all, I'm still a taxpayer. sigh. x

  9. We have a gazilliongajillion miles but H has this thing about calculating mileage per penny cost. So if it's on sale, I buy and then get tier points. If it's not, then I miles upgrade and sacrifice tier points. It's a complicated game...

  10. I'm so with you! Lufthansa, Virgin, SAS, come to Momma!!!

  11. To say that the cheap ass flights have really pissed you off would be a bit of an understatement.
    Leave the nanny & minis at home next time (after all you already pay her for that) and go 1st class with extra champers! It will probably cost less

  12. Not actually so cheap when you add it all up is it? Maybe camping in the UK next time? No? Didn't think so...

  13. um maybe Glamping. Or a Real Airline?

  14. I think you are brave taking them on a plane at all....mine are bad enough in the car...and lets not talk about the travel sickness on the ferry! I'm glad you showed Mr Fancy whats what though. xx