That Kate. She's always pushing me to think outside the box. Yes, of course I've imagined my own funeral. Who hasn't? I expect there to be equal parts hysterical sobbing and laughter. I would want to see anguished faces turn to looks of delight when they see the champagne flute fountain. Tissues for nose blowing will be freely available, as will red-soled flat shoes in a variety of sizes (lest someone not wish to dance all night in 4 inch heels). But what will they actually be saying? Hmm. I think it goes a little something like this:
"Isn’t it lovely, how her 2nd husband gets along so well with her boyfriends? They are all so mature for such young men. And so handsome! My my."
"Did all her kids make it? I know several of them had to fly in from God knows where. Thank goodness they made today a Fancy bank holiday so those girls have a little extra time to sort through the jewelry."
"What do you think of the new signs? Oh, I agree, 'Fancy' is such a better name for a park than 'Hyde.' And the fountains are gorgeous. All that gold plating. I was so worried it would be like that Prince Albert monstrosity but it’s so refined. You know she worked the plans herself? Yes, she did."
"What time’s the flyover? A military send off always brings a tear to my eyes."
"Oh, I know, the snacks are divine. It really was her greatest accomplishment, wasn’t it? I mean next to raising those fabulous kids and solving all those Middle East issues. Just a little pressure on the government and suddenly—poof! No more vegetarian restaurants. It's true, they were such a waste of time and money, weren’t they? I’m sorry, but Fancy was right. Eggplant can never replace a real lobster. It's a perfectly nice vegetable but c'mon, who were trying to kid? Oh, yes, I’ll have another salmon blini with caviar. Thank you."
Now having heard all that, I guess I've got some work to do. I can probably deal with the vegetarians this morning and start my monument plans right after my gym session. Need to keep those abs tight, apparently...
