Monday, 18 April 2011

A Fancy Funeral

That Kate. She's always pushing me to think outside the box. Yes, of course I've imagined my own funeral. Who hasn't? I expect there to be equal parts hysterical sobbing and laughter. I would want to see anguished faces turn to looks of delight when they see the champagne flute fountain. Tissues for nose blowing will be freely available, as will red-soled flat shoes in a variety of sizes (lest someone not wish to dance all night in 4 inch heels). But what will they actually be saying? Hmm. I think it goes a little something like this:

"Isn’t it lovely, how her 2nd husband gets along so well with her boyfriends? They are all so mature for such young men. And so handsome! My my."

"Did all her kids make it? I know several of them had to fly in from God knows where. Thank goodness they made today a Fancy bank holiday so those girls have a little extra time to sort through the jewelry."

"What do you think of the new signs? Oh, I agree, 'Fancy' is such a better name for a park than 'Hyde.' And the fountains are gorgeous. All that gold plating. I was so worried it would be like that Prince Albert monstrosity but it’s so refined. You know she worked the plans herself? Yes, she did."

"What time’s the flyover? A military send off always brings a tear to my eyes."

"Oh, I know, the snacks are divine. It really was her greatest accomplishment, wasn’t it? I mean next to raising those fabulous kids and solving all those Middle East issues. Just a little pressure on the government and suddenly—poof! No more vegetarian restaurants. It's true, they were such a waste of time and money, weren’t they? I’m sorry, but Fancy was right. Eggplant can never replace a real lobster. It's a perfectly nice vegetable but c'mon, who were trying to kid? Oh, yes, I’ll have another salmon blini with caviar. Thank you."

Now having heard all that, I guess I've got some work to do. I can probably deal with the vegetarians this morning and start my monument plans right after my gym session. Need to keep those abs tight, apparently...


  1. Need tight abs to keep up with your toy boys..... Just loving the concept of eggplant not replacing real lobster.

    Take care.

  2. Lol interesting concepts. Too true about vegetarians, just look at our teeth to know we were made omnivores not herbivores. Oh well each to their own I guess. :-)

  3. Did you know I was veggie for 15 years? 15 wasted years as Mr Ramsey would say. I think all of your list is perfectly achievable - better get a move on though..

  4. I was veggie for 6 years. Can't believe I missed out on all that steak. Fillet of course darling. :-)

  5. Very cool list, my BLT for lunch seems quite fitting now ;-)!

  6. Do you think you could find it in your heart to send me an advance pair of red soled flat shoes? Just to ensure they're nicely worn in for the main event you understand. And my heavily pregnant self would appreciate them when taking my lunchtime walk in Fancy Park.

  7. What a list! What a woman! Love it.

    Although whenever I hear someone do a "diviiiiine!" a small part of me dies. Every time.

  8. Ooo. Is it just the vegetarian restaurants you are dealing with or will you include vegetarian dinner guests? And when is this lobbying taking place? I ask because, on Friday, yes FRIDAY (it looms and I am not a cook) we are having people for dinner and I must accommodate a vegetarian as well as my Mr B, who will not accept that he has been fed unless he has been fed meat.

    Yours in a panic and not dead yet.