My participation in Kate’s Listography is spotty at best. That’s not because I don’t think she’s incredibly clever but because I’m lazy. It’s just easier to talk about ME than it is to try and be creative. But this week’s “Laminated List” challenge spoke to me: 5 men for whom I receive a free pass from H should the opportunity for a bit of intimacy arise.
It’s a timely conversation given what H and I were talking about just last night. I have a new personal trainer, you see, and I’m intent on increasing my Fancy Wife Appeal. I had to inform H that, given our current situation and his ever-declining fitness coupled with a heart-attack inducing level of job-related stress, there is a strong chance that I’ll be looking for my 2nd husband before the decade is over. And when that happens, I plan on being one really fucking hot Cougar. Because #2 is going to be young, fit, and gorgeous. With degrees in both space engineering and massage therapy.
Anyway, back to my list.
I’ve seen a lot of Johnny Depps and Brad Pitts out there this week. But I wanted to really put some thought into it. I mean, we’re talking about risking a nasty case of Chlamydia with all that “intimacy.” It needs to really mean something. So here, for your enjoyment, is Frau Fancy’s Laminated List:
Tom Selleck: I mean, here is the one guy on Planet Earth who can rock a moustache without looking like white trash, a pedophile or a circus ringmaster. (Apologies to those living with hairy upper lips, but they just aren’t my thing. Clearly.) He can also wear a Hawaiian shirt without looking like a stupid tourist. I think that screams, “Man.”
Donny: The voice. The teeth. The purple socks. I publicly declared my love for Mr. Osmond nearly 35 years ago. Why would I turn down a chance to realize a dream I’ve had for so very long?
George Clooney: Dude’s hot. Not “for his age” but “at any age.” And he seems to actually have a bit of a brain. Plus I really enjoy vacationing in the lakes of Italy so his house at Lake Como would come in really handy.
Timbaland: He’s kind of like a black version of H except with musical talent. His eyes make me melt. There’s clearly both smarts and a sense of humour in there. Plus he’d get me a step closer to Justin Timberlake, who’s number 6 on the list, if we were going there.
Elmo’s Dad: This is a recent find for me and knocked Buzz Lightyear (talk about a manly man!) right off the list. We’ve been watching a lot of Elmo’s Potty Time here at the Fancies’ and I’ve never seen a man more patient and tolerant than Louie. And that Southern twang! Like Matthew McConaughey but smarter and less smelly. He plays the sax and fought in Iraq. Despite his obviously busy schedule, he still makes time to arrange a family picnic with his recently widowed sister. His involvement in his son’s life is commendable, as is his genuine compassion and gentle way. He’s the complete package: kind, considerate, a good father, famous and (I’m assuming, given all his films) wealthy.
See, I'm not all that shallow. Not that I would physically kick Johnny Depp out of my bedroom...